The Long Way Home (Essay 2)

Question 5

Her accusing stare had penetrated Claudia’s gaze. She had felt waves of disapproval rolling off her grandmother’s back but pretended not to notice. Claudia shot a last glance and mouthed an apology before delicately stepping out of the front door. Claudia relieved the past day’s conversation with the latter and she remembered the sharp and querulous tones her grandmother had used on her. Initially, Claudia had felt guilt-ridden for even contemplating on leaving her grandmother to further her studies in England, under her father’s orders. However, her mind was made up after the many demands of her grandmother started to make her question: what right had this person to restrain her from making her own choices?
As she had taken a closer look of herself in the mirror before leaving, Claudia was amazed to find out that she held more resemblances to her grandmother than she thought she had: the characteristic broad and artless smile, which went right into the creases at the corner of their eyes and the unmistakable intricately flecked emerald eyes. Growing up, Claudia was intrigued with the smoothness of the grandmother’s skin despite her age. The occasional bruises and scratch marks on Claudia’s arms and legs, due to her passion for outdoor activities, were a far cry from her grandmother’s porcelain skin. Grandmother was a strict woman and she held herself in utmost dignity and elegance. An emerald barrette was always fastened on and there was not one occasion where Claudia ever saw her grandmother inadequately dressed. A role model, Claudia had always wanted to grow up to be her grandmother.
Claudia’s mother was an unsaid topic in the family. Nobody mentioned her in passing, in fact, nobody mentioned her at all. She had entirely no recollection of mother and her childhood was devoid of a mother’s love. This empty space was filled with her grandmother’s love. Grandmother was just like a mother to Claudia, only much older. The former did not believe in spoiling a child and Claudia learnt that she was not that difficult a person to live with as her father had always drilled into her head. Grandmother was simply being herself. She was a unique individual.
Her father and grandmother had never got along well. Perhaps it was grandmother’s adamant refusal to cave into his every whim and fancy when her father was young, which made him to think that she was unloving and uncaring. Claudia’s heart had ached as her father had once pulled him into his study, telling her that she should be spending less time with her grandmother. Upon her questioning why, he began to execute into a series of false accusations about her grandmother. Although she was disagreeable with his statements, she nodded throughout his tirade and had even exited his room with a deferential bow. In actual fact, she knew that even if those accusations were truly justifiable, she would have still sided her grandmother. Father and daughter were never inseparable and it was as if they were not blood related. Claudia had always felt it was her grandmother who had brought her up, that it was her who had really showered her with love.
Yet as she clambered on the train, which would take her to the airport, where she would be attending a boarding school for four years before her return, Claudia felt nonchalant about her parting. She did however, as she boarded the plane, felt momentarily uncertain if she had done the right thing to desert her grandmother. Turning to face her father who is seated on her left, she smiled lightly and he responded to her smile with a gentle squeeze on her shoulder. It was the first time they had sat in a vehicle and had exchanged pleasantries. Claudia had always craved for her father’s attention and when he finally did show it to her after thirteen years, she embraced it wholly. She closed her eyes and her heart is at ease as she thought: yes, this was the right thing to do.
The exchange of letters was extremely common during her first month of absence away from her grandmother. Constantly badgering her with replies and demands on her situation in England, Claudia was unable to reply all her grandmother’s letters which kept coming even though she had not reply her previous one’s. Mildly irritated by her grandmother’s impatience but she understood why her grandmother was so persistent: loneliness. Her replies grew shorter with the gain of more friends, the time Claudia could have spent writing a simple letter was instead, spent on her friends. Slowly without realizing, Claudia had allowed her new life in England distract her from her priorities and her old life back home.
Back home, Claudia’s grandmother was rummaging through stacks of old albums. She clutched onto any memory she was able to latch onto of her granddaughter. She arched her neck up slightly and squinted to make out what date it was. It had been three years and Claudia’s last letter to her was a year and a half ago. That was what Claudia’s grandmother had been afraid of, it was not loneliness but of fear that her granddaughter would forget her. Just as how her very own son had forgotten her. All of a sudden, she felt her heart tightening and she breathes in deep breaths. She used the wooden armchair as a support as she keyed in a string of numbers. Before she had heard the line connect, she released a gasp and fell to the parquet flooring. Her figure would remain that way, lithe and fragile, until a close friend dropped by a day later for their usual afternoon tea sessions.
Claudia had held the receiver to her ear and had felt incapable of speech upon told of her grandmother’s death. She had not expected and was unsure of how to respond to this news. Thanking the informer on the other line, she spoke in hushed tones as she clarified that her father and her would make the necessary arrangements back home in time for the funeral. She searched her memories as she tried to recall when was the last she remembered having an actual conversation with her grandmother. It was probably on the day before she had left for England; which meant it was over a year. Claudia felt herself fall to the ground as she tried to gather herself, as the news of losing her loved one slowly sunk in,
She had looked peaceful. The funeral was an open casket and Claudia had not dared to look into it for fear that she would always be haunted by the image of her. She clung onto her father, who was unmoved throughout the entire ceremony, and as she watched several men help to lower her grandmother’s body into the freshly dug earth, she mourned silently. Why had it taken so long for her to realize that the place Claudia should have always belonged in was none other than her own home?
Claudia lifted her head up to the sky as she whispered, “I’m sorry grandmother. It took so long for me to get back home and when I did, it was for the wrong reason.” She blinked back a fresh wave of tears.
As she grabbed a fistful of flowers in her palm, Claudia threw the flowers into the earth and continued, still looking at the clear sky, as if she were talking to an angel.
“I want everything back the way it was, but there is no point to it, this wanting, I know now that I would never get to tell you what I should have been telling you every day. That I love you,” saying this, she walks away with her father trudging beside her as they make their long way back home.
Charmaine Thong
Sec 4A / 2009